Kent State students brutal on their team

[Guest MAC Conference Watch]

Drugs! Zombies! Battery! Football!

Dan Labbe

Humor Columnist

Are you ready for some football? I sure am, and with Can't State football just around the corner, it's time for my first annual Golden flush Football Season Preview. I certainly don't claim to be a football expert, but I know a good season when I see one. Trust me, fellow blue and gold supporter, this season should be a good one.

The best thing about this season's team is its two known criminals. At quarterback we have senior Josh Cribbs, who boasts a 1,000-yard passing and rushing season and a marijuana possession charge. With stats like that, how can you not be excited about the man taking snaps for the flushes this year?

Then there's Abram Elam, who brings to town an All-American type history of sexual battery. He'll fit right in here at Can't State.

But if you think discipline on the football team is lax, you're wrong. Laing Kennedy (The Enforcer) took a tough stand and suspended Mr. Cribbs for one game ¡X a meaningless September game against Iowa, a team the flushes couldn’t beat if John Elway were playing quarterback. Kind of makes me think I should pick up a drug habit, because apparently I would only be suspended for one class and maybe be offered a full-ride scholarship.

But there’s more to be excited about. Sept. 11 is “Celebrate America Day†against Liberty. What better way to remember those who were lost three years ago than to go to Dix Stadium and watch a team you’ve never heard of roll the flushes?

Yes, fellow fans, Dix Stadium should reach all-time attendance highs this year, with average attendance expected to be in the mid-to-high double digits. Akron comes to town for the Rivalry-No-One-Cares-About Bowl.

You don’t want to miss Senior Day. That’s the day when anyone over the age of 65 gets to don the shoulder pads, strap on a helmet, and play 60 minutes of hard-hitting football against those Eastern Michigan whippersnappers. That’s right, grandma and grandpa, it’s time to instill some respect in those no-good youngens!

The best part, though, is that this year’s coach is none other than deceased celebrity Dean Martin! … or maybe his name is Doug Martin — I don’t remember — but we’ll just assume it’s Dean Martin. Modern science never ceases to amaze. The man’s been dead since Christmas of ‘95, yet somehow they’ve revived him. He’ll be walking the sidelines each and every Saturday!

(Whisper) Rumor has it he’ll even be performing at some of the half-time shows. Be warned, though, his voice isn’t what it used to be. Nine years in the ground will do that to a guy.

I can barely contain my excitement thinking about those great Saturday nights! I plan on attending every game.

I hate to watch the university throw away my student fees.

Dan Labbe is a senior English major and a humor columnist for the Daily Can't Stater. You can contact him at djlabbe@Can't.edu.